I’ve been saying for awhile that I wanted to start talking about sex, but then I didn’t. The thing is I have soooo much to say on the subject. As I approach my 50th birthday, I simply have so much to say. However as women, we are told that sex is private, we are warned that talking about sex publicly, is wrong. And whoa as a mother and a single one at that, there is an even greater taboo against me being vocal about sex. But the truth is, I love sex! I love talking about sex, I love thinking about sex, and damn… I definitely love having sex. So I’m ready to write about sex.
I grew up in a time where we were taught to fear sex. I took sex education at James Madison High School in Brookyn in 1988, at the height of the AIDS epidemic. I don’t remember learning anything about how perfect sex can be, how good it can feel, how natural it is to want it and how normal it is to think about it, often. The messages to girls were clear, sex was dangerous and men will say anything to get it! As a young woman growing up in the 90’s I had no idea that I could own my own narrative about sex. So instead I was just confused. I knew I loved sex, but I felt a tremendous amount of guilt and fear attached to the act. There were times in my twenties and even when I first started dating again after my marriage ended, that I would have a perfect orgasm and move swiftly into a state of anxiety. I feel so bad for the men who experienced that with me, but honestly the ones who did were pretty amazing about it. I had a love hate relationship, with sex.
I believe I may have gotten married simply because I was so fearful of dating and having sex, in a world that I simply did not trust. My husband felt trustworthy to me, so I married him. During my marriage, I quickly stopped feeling like the highly sexual being I had been prior to getting married. It’s crazy, but I did. I just thought those days were over for me. I mean we had sex a lot, but I didn’t love it anymore. And it was not his fault, for all the men out there who are thinking that it was. He was a generous lover, there was just a mental block for me, I couldn’t connect or communicate with him the way I wanted to sexually. He didn’t even know me in bed, I did not let him know me. I could write a whole post on why this was and still never get to the truth. But for now I will simply say, we were not right for each other. So you can imagine that after 17 years, when my marriage ended and I realized that I still had a tremendous sex drive, I was simply elated
And that brings me to now. To being close to turning 50, to a moment where I have fully stepped into the truest version of myself. I've had some time to shed old stories and most recently some really fantastic moments sexually. I have no more anxiety and very little fear around my own sexuality. I have a tremendous understanding of my own power as a woman and a deep understanding of my own body. There is a knowing of what I need to feel comfortable and free with the man I choose to be with. That’s where I am now. That’s who you’re going to get in the posts to come. I hope you read them. I hope you love them!
It’s refreshing to see a real woman’s journey with herself and her sexuality. My life has traveled a similar path. I grew up in South Carolina during the 1960s and 1970s. My father died just before the onset of my puberty and my concepts concerning sex and sexuality were formed by what little was gleaned from female relatives and well meaning friends.
Next came the relative freedom of college and the decision to perform the duty of mating, marring, and joining a community as a productive member. The religious ideas I grew up with also shaped the decisions I made. I met someone who seemed to be wanting the same things and acted balanced and ambitious enough to be a reasonable choice. After the ceremony, Ms. Jekyll became Mrs Hyde.
This was tolerated for a period of years during which my sexual attraction to her dried up. After about fifteen years I rather vehemently unloaded and told her enough was enough. She agreed to tone down and work on improving. There have been a few regressions since, but corrections usually occurred. Also during this time I was diagnosed with thyroid and liver problems which altered my drive. It’s still there, but my methods have changed.
2022 will be 42 years. She is showing actions that indicate little has changed. I’m not looking for a separation and am trying to make connections not necessarily for the sex as much as for the contact itself. She will interpret that as something different so that is why I’m keeping things on the sly.
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Wishing you the ability to find a really authentic life for yourself.